Thursday, September 20, 2007

Jocular and Verity

From Glamour :

Every Woman Should Have:
  • One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to (even if you wouldn't) and one who reminds you of how far you've come.
  • Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own, even if you never want or need to.
  • Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
  • A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying.
  • A youth you're content to move beyond.
  • A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
  • A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
  • One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
  • A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
  • Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
  • A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
  • A feeling of control over your destiny.
  • A skin care regime, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.
  • A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.
Every Woman Should Know:
  • How to fall in love without losing yourself.
  • How you feel about having kids.
  • How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
  • When to try harder and when to walk away.
  • How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next.
  • How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
  • How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll get it.
  • That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
  • That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
  • What you would and wouldn't do for love or money.
  • How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
  • Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally.
  • Where to go - be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods - when your soul needs soothing.
  • What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.
  • Why they say life begins at 30.

From Esquire:

Things A Man Should Not Do After The Age Of 30:
  • Use the word party as a verb.
  • Shots.
  • Body shots.
  • Jell-O shots. Especially Jell-O shots.
  • Read a book with the words Zen and the Art of in the title.
  • Do impressions of Austin Powers characters, especially Dr. Evil.
  • Help friends move.
  • Ask friends to help you move.
  • Crash on a friend's floor or couch.
  • Refer to breasts as "chesticles."
  • Experiment with facial hair.
  • Let your underpants show above your jeans or below your shorts.
  • Apply paint to your face for any reason at all.
  • Own beer-drinking paraphernalia.
  • Own a skull bong.
  • Know the names of the current Real World cast.
  • Remove your shirt in public--unless there is sand and a large body of water nearby.
  • Use the word dude, except when referring to a ranch or a well-dressed Englishman.
  • Use the word dawg in a sentence when referring to a friend or, worse, yourself.
  • Own a futon.
  • Own a beanbag chair.
  • Hang art framelessly.
  • Hang tapestries.
  • Drink malternative beverages.
  • Don a puka-bead necklace.
  • Google ex-girlfriends.
  • Break up with a girlfriend by e-mail.
  • Engage in pranks involving airborne food.
  • Own a Lava lamp.
  • Pool hop.
  • Live with someone you don't sleep with.
  • Share a hotel room with someone you don't sleep with.
  • Play fantasy sports.
  • Divide a restaurant bill with a friend in any way other than 50-50.
  • Sleep past 10:30.
  • Refer to a woman's genitalia as her "nappy dugout."
  • Cook exclusively on a George Foreman grill.
  • Wear a jersey with the name of a professional athlete on the back.
  • Employ any other pickup line besides "Hi, my name is _____. What's yours?"
  • Listen to Pink Floyd.
  • Use Internet acronyms, especially ROFL and LOL.
  • Shave any part of your body except your face.
  • Enjoy Jerry Bruckheimer movies.
  • Run with the bulls in Pamplona.
  • Attend Mardi Gras, Carnival, or Burning Man.
  • Own a fish tank.
  • Fall asleep in public.
  • Call drugs by their street names (e.g., junk, smack, or whitebag).
  • Pick a fistfight by thrusting out your neck, flexing, and screaming, "It's go time!"
  • See any movie with elves, mutants, wookies, or other nonhuman characters on opening night.


Michael said...

Why is the "ladies" list all meaningful and spiritual and the list for guys assumes every guy is a complete doofus? A little unfair, don't you think?

Nancy said...

Michael: Ummm, quoted right out of Esquire ... mens magazine, their call :: ducking ::

Educator-To-Be said...

Very cute. Thank you. Amy

delmer said...

Every woman should have a little instruction manual for men to read.

(As the Esquire article suggests, we're not all that smart and can use all the help we can get.)

Linda and her Surroundings said...

I feel pretty good after reading the Woman's list - with the exception of "That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents" I am pretty much there....

Jami said...

But is it OK for women to do things that are on the men's list? For instance, do I have to stop listening to Pink Floyd? Although I did give my lava lamp to my son.

Nancy said...

Jami: Women can do anything!

Casdok said...

And we do!!!

Be Inspired Always said...

I like the list :)

Except for the "nature of your parents" part.