Jocular and Verity

From Glamour :

Every Woman Should Have:

• One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to (even if you wouldn't) and one who reminds you of how far you've come.
• Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own, even if you never want or need to.
• Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
• A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying.
• A youth you're content to move beyond.
• A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
• A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
• One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
• A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
• Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
• A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
• A feeling of control over your destiny.
• A skin care regime, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.
• A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

Every Woman Should Know:

• How to fall in love without losing yourself.
• How you feel about having kids.
• How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
• When to try harder and when to walk away.
• How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next.
• How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
• How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll get it.
• That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
• That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
• What you would and wouldn't do for love or money.
• How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
• Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally.
• Where to go - be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods - when your soul needs soothing.
• What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.
• Why they say life begins at 30.

From Esquire:

Things A Man Should Not Do After The Age Of 30:

• Use the word party as a verb.
• Shots.
• Body shots.
• Jell-O shots. Especially Jell-O shots.
• Read a book with the words Zen and the Art of in the title.
• Do impressions of Austin Powers characters, especially Dr. Evil.
• Help friends move.
• Ask friends to help you move.
• Crash on a friend's floor or couch.
• Refer to breasts as "chesticles."
• Experiment with facial hair.
• Let your underpants show above your jeans or below your shorts.
• Apply paint to your face for any reason at all.
• Own beer-drinking paraphernalia.
• Own a skull bong.
• Know the names of the current Real World cast.
• Remove your shirt in public--unless there is sand and a large body of water nearby.
• Use the word dude, except when referring to a ranch or a well-dressed Englishman.
• Use the word dawg in a sentence when referring to a friend or, worse, yourself.
• Own a futon.
• Own a beanbag chair.
• Hang art framelessly.
• Hang tapestries.
• Drink malternative beverages.
• Don a puka-bead necklace.
• Google ex-girlfriends.
• Break up with a girlfriend by e-mail.
• Engage in pranks involving airborne food.
• Own a Lava lamp.
• Pool hop.
• Live with someone you don't sleep with.
• Share a hotel room with someone you don't sleep with.
• Play fantasy sports.
• Divide a restaurant bill with a friend in any way other than 50-50.
• Sleep past 10:30.
• Refer to a woman's genitalia as her "nappy dugout."
• Cook exclusively on a George Foreman grill.
• Wear a jersey with the name of a professional athlete on the back.
• Employ any other pickup line besides "Hi, my name is _____. What's yours?"
• Listen to Pink Floyd.
• Use Internet acronyms, especially ROFL and LOL.
• Shave any part of your body except your face.
• Enjoy Jerry Bruckheimer movies.
• Run with the bulls in Pamplona.
• Attend Mardi Gras, Carnival, or Burning Man.
• Own a fish tank.
• Fall asleep in public.
• Call drugs by their street names (e.g., junk, smack, or whitebag).
• Pick a fistfight by thrusting out your neck, flexing, and screaming, "It's go time!"
• See any movie with elves, mutants, wookies, or other nonhuman characters on opening night.