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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Countess of Constipation

Dooce built her empire (sorta) on the topic of constipation.

When my niece, FanneeDoolee, started blogging, she said she wasn't going to write about poop. I laughed and said since she has two small children, she certainly will have some poopy posts.

My nephew Michael started blogging and since he has no children, imagine my surprise when I read a few of his posts about poop!

I never thought I would blog about any bodily functions. If dog poop doesn't count, I have stuck to my original thought ... until now.

For the ones that know me, I mean really.know.me. know that I could be nicknamed Countess of Constipation.

I am talking days, more than a week of days, like after about 10 days is when I begin to think something better give.

Since I have been on my diet, I have been in my Countess mode. Unfortunately I have not been on the throne for about 10 days.

*Here's where the light bulb goes on in my brain.

From past experience, nothing, I mean NOTHING works. Saturday I called my sister and asked her what that "stuff" was she took the night before her colonoscopy.

I went to Walgreen's and got a bottle of magnesium citrate, lemon/lime flavor. I am so used to being constipated, I forgot to take it that night.

I read the directions Sunday and it said it could start working 30 minutes to 6 hours after drinking. Well, there's a small window ... NOT. I decided I better wait until Sunday night, when I am in the house for the night. Right before bed I had my magnesium nightcap and chased it with 2 bottles of water and went to bed. When I woke up, I was disappointed, nothing, I didn't have any inclination to hold court in my bathroom.

Oh.My.Goodness. I wasn't up 15 minutes and this deep sense of urgency came over me. I was thrilled, it worked perfectly and early enough in the day that I could enjoy the sunshine. I haven't felt as, ahem, empty as I did right then until ...

Less than five minutes later. The pump had been primed. I sat there thinking my whole insides were being sucked out of me with a vacuum. After the initial shock, once again, I was pleased and justified it by thinking that what? ... We have 30 feet of intestines in there? OK, so that all made sense. But I was glad it was over... or so I thought.

Dare I go on? Well I did ... and on, and on and all frickin day long. Can I just say it worked?!

Right from the bottle it says:

"Do not use magnesium citrate as a laxative; if your constipation is a continuing problem, contact your health care provider".

I guess they know what they are talking about.

16 comments:

san said...

T.M.I.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Ugh....I can relate. Without going into too much detail, I have the same problem...but NO over-the-counter laxitives will work...NONE of them.

I've been drinking an all-natural super-dieters tea for YEARS that does the trick. I drink one cup of it as soon as I'm done with dinner and the next morning (almost without fail), the "job" gets done.

It's called Laci Le Beau" and here in Florida, I buy it at our local Public grocery store...although I know they also carry it at most health food stores. They have different flavors but the one that works the best for me is the one with All Natural Botanicals (in the red box).

Nancy said...

san: lmao ... we share so much don't we?

Stacey: yes, I tried that and all I get is cramping.

Patience said...

Holy Crap!

Dixie said...

I too suffer from constipation. I hate that shit (or lack thereof) with a passion! It's a huge reason I do a cleanse once a year. It gets me back on track, by the time it's time to do another one, I really need it.

I've done alot of reading on the whole subject and I never realized it was a problem until I started reading about it.

Margb331 said...

But here's the big question...how much weight did you lose???

Michael said...

Welcome to the club - he he :)

Nancy said...

Marg: you know me, yes I weighed myself.

Michael: LOL ... warped sense of humor in our gene pool right?

Her Bad Mother said...

omg am LAUGHING SO HARD over here.

Fightin' Mad Mary said...

LMAO...Great story!

Maybe try "Smooth Move" tea - Google it. It's easier on the stomach than the "Laci Le Beau".

Jen Magnuson said...

Hah! I wanted to say Holy Crap, but got beat to the punch. A long run (sixty minutes or more) always works for me, maybe for you? Please don't kick me for suggesting a run if you're not a runner ;) But you look like you might be. Good luck with future, er, issues ;)

Lisa said...

LOL! That was like reading about myself! Wonder if you can get that stuff from where I'm from???!!!

Tink said...

I don't poop on the weekends...
Or on vacation...
Or from the hours of 6 to 11pm...

I've tried those "women" laxatives, raisins, peanuts, apples, prunes. NOTHING works. Forget penis envy. The one thing I'm jealous of my guy for is his ability to go 3-4 times a day. 3-4 times! Now that's amazing.

Mary Alice said...

Military Man's college room mate used to step out of the bathroom and announce to the room in general, with a satisfied sigh, "There is just nothing as under-rated as a really good crap."

I guess he was right?

Nancy said...

Mad Mary: I will give it a try! Thanks =)

Jen: Ahh, if it was only that easy ... nope not even.

Lisa: I believe any drug store carries it ...use caution!

Tink: I hear ya sistah!

Mary Alice: sigh, lol

Oh, The Joys said...

I lOVE that miracle lime drink. So fizzy, so powerful!!! Yay!