Friday, April 6, 2007

Worse than diarrhea ...

* Warning, not for the weak stomach *

There are many people blogging about poop, boogers, gas, barfing ... a plethora of bodily functions. Sure it's cute and funny when it's about kids or animals. Even the best delivered adult confession is hilarious when it is being recalled versus witnessed first hand.

I work with Jack ... nope that isn't even a pseudo name ... his real name is Jack but unfortunately he doesn't read my blog.

Jack's desk is in the office right next to mine. This man is so damn disgusting I should weigh 100lbs from losing my appetite.

He has a daily, or should I say hourly, habit of ripping cheek lifting, atomic bomb dropping, farts that make chopping 100 pounds of onions appeal to me more than having my eyes well up from his stench.

It never fails, he leaves the area after he quasi sh*ts his pants, only to have someone walk in and see just me sitting at my desk. I feign ignorance and lean out of my office and say "Oh Jack must have just left, he was just here, he is probably in the bathroom."

His "cranked-up-to-11" volume snoring, yes, he naps every chance he can, sounds like he can blow the roof off.

Obviously he skipped the Miss Manners "etiquette at the dinner table" chapter because the way he scarfs, no make that inhales, his food should be the worlds best argument for fasting.

Jack is a nose picker. He will be talking to you and pick without hesitation and even roll it around his fingers while examining it until it does the disappearing into thin air on its own act. When his paperwork makes it back to my desk, I kid you not, he has fricken boogers stuck to it. No way will I touch it, therefore, I won't wipe it off. I now take cellophane tape and put a strip over them so I don't have to deal with it ... gross I know, but better than accidentally touching it while finishing up the paper.

All of the above I have learned to deal with. That's right, I actually deal with it.

Jack is old, 60 years old. Jack is a horker. He always snorts his snot and sometimes he horks it out, but for the most part, he is a loogie recycler. Can you imagine, he swallows that crap? I try not to picture how it must flow like molasses through his system.

If you are still reading this, I applaud you.

Don't even say to take it up with the boss, he is aware, sits right next to Jack (hey I am lucky I have my own office) and is just as grossed out by it all as I am. He is just too nice of a guy to say anything, and does the kind thing by pointing out all Jacks good qualities ... which escapes me, I haven't seen any yet.

The air (no pun intended) in the workplace has always been light, fun, no drama, no conflicts ... we have all worked together ... a team ... for many years.

What oh what can I do or say to get this man to excuse himself from my ear shot when he has to perform these disgusting bodily functions? Any ideas?


Michael said...

LOL...I almost blogged about diarrhea yesterday but chickened out. You've given me incentive!

Ok, DISGUSTING that you have to deal with that at work. And what's worse is that he deals with the public. I can only imagine many-a-customer's impression of RHC after dealing with Jack. So much for word-of-mouth advertising.

Mike needs to grow some and bring this up with Jack. (You can tell him I said that.) It's time to shape up or ship out.

(Maybe Jay is right and I really am heartless...LOL)

Beth said...

that is just too gross. I have no idea what you can do besides just flat out tellin ghim, "You are the most disgusting thing on earth"..but I guess that wouldn't go over very well, huh? ;)

sorry I talked about my gas problem the other day! ;)

Nancy said...

Beth ... reading about bodily functions can be quite entertaining, having to work with them, all at once ...blech! Maybe if he was a 20-something hunk-0-hunk it would be more amusing, but an old man? NOT! LOL

moodswingingmommy said...

My friend in HR refers to farting while walking/leaving the scene as the "drive-by." This is the most common complaint she has to deal with from employees, besides co-workers with BO. Very funny, unless you are left in it's wake looking like the culprit.

That Jack sounds like a real prize!

Twisted Cinderella said...

ewww! ick!! ugh!! What an awkward disgusting situation for you.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

I am glad I work from home!