Who Am I Dating?

Thank you for the comments left on the last post. I received quite a few e-mails too. Some were funny, but most, real personal, that's why they weren't left in comments. I will use them all for future posts. I appreciate all the questions.

The topic of "who are you dating" was questioned several times.

If you've been reading my blog for any length of time, you know I don't write about that at all. Well, except the hilarious encounter with an old high school friend.

Aannnnywaaaaay, the subject of dating. Men. Relationships.

I don't do well in that department.

I get asked out and "hit on" my fair share of the time.

I've even tried "dating", tried acting on my "lust for" or "interest in" men.

But, the next step of entering a serious relationship seems to come to a screeching halt for me.

So I'm asked, "What are you looking for in a man? A relationship?"

If you knew my past track record or more recent dating habits, you'd know I obviously don't know the answer to that question.

But the question did get me thinking.

I don't know what I am looking for but I do know what doesn't work for me.

So here's a sampling of what doesn't gel with my ENTJ personality.

These are actual deal killers, reasons why I bolted.

I'll put it in bullet form for you Sunshine, 'cuz I know you dig that.

• Trying to buy my attention.
• Drunk ~ dials, e-mails, or text's.
• Treating waiters, waitresses rudely.
• Talking baby talk. (I'm not looking for another kid)
• Whining about your ex.
• Looking to be "mothered".
• Having to keep tabs on me via phone constantly.
• Being seriously in touch with your "inner bitch".
• Recalling your high school sports achievements a bazillion times.
• Belligerent when drunk.
• No fashion sense.
• Into NASCAR [I thought was just the way people from the south say "nice car"]
• Jealously, needy personalities.
• Drama, conflict from their kids or ex's.
• Dorian Gray Syndrome
• Peter Pan Syndrome
  

That's a few of the things. The important ones. Some may seem shallow on my part. Perhaps I look for reasons to bolt. But, if that's the case, I can guarantee it wasn't meant to be.

As my single sister Margie and I say between relationships ... Next?

Per Esquire Magazine ...

Things a man should never do after the age of thirty:

1. Use the word party as a verb.

2. Shots.

3. Body shots.

4. Jell-O shots. Especially Jell-O shots.

5. Read a book with the words Zen and The Art of in the title.

6. Do impressions of Austin Powers characters, especially Dr. Evil.

7. Help friends move.

8. Ask friends to help you move.

9. Crash on a friend's floor or couch.

10. Refer to breasts as "chesticles."

11. Experiment with facial hair.

12. Let your underpants show above your jeans or below your shorts.

13. Apply paint to your face for any reason at all.

14. Own beer-drinking paraphernalia.

15. Own a skull bong.

16. Know the names of the current Real World cast.

17. Remove your shirt in public--unless there is sand and a large body of water nearby.

18. Use the word dude, except when referring to a ranch or a well-dressed Englishman.

19. Use the word dawg in a sentence when referring to a friend or, worse, yourself.

20. Own a futon.

21. Own a beanbag chair.

22. Hang art framelessly.

23. Hang tapestries.

24. Drink malternative beverages.

25. Don a puka-bead necklace.

26. Google ex-girlfriends.

27. Break up with a girlfriend by e-mail.

28. Engage in pranks involving airborne food.

29. Own a Lava lamp.

30. Pool hop.

31. Live with someone you don't sleep with.

32. Share a hotel room with someone you don't sleep with.

33. Play fantasy sports.

34. Divide a restaurant bill with a friend in any way other than 50-50.

35. Sleep past 10:30.

36. Refer to a woman's genitalia as her "nappy dugout."

37. Cook exclusively on a George Foreman grill.

38. Wear a jersey with the name of a professional athlete on the back.

39. Employ any other pickup line besides "Hi, my name is _____. What's yours?"

40. Listen to Pink Floyd.

41. Use Internet acronyms, especially ROFL and LOL.

42. Shave any part of your body except your face.

43. Enjoy Jerry Bruckheimer movies.

44. Run with the bulls in Pamplona.

45. Attend Mardi Gras, Carnaval, or Burning Man.

46. Own a fish tank.

47. Fall asleep in public.

48. Call drugs by their street names (e.g., junk, smack, or whitebag).

49. Pick a fistfight by thrusting out your neck, flexing, and screaming, "It's go time!"

*** I decided to add one of my own thoughts***

50. Program sound bites or goofy songs as a ringtone in your cell phone.

I don't agree with everything on this list. It would make for a pretty boring guy, but there are a lot that I totally agree with. * photo g00gled, and actually a 12 man beer bong seems quite ingenious for a tailgate party.

Jocular and Verity

From Glamour :

Every Woman Should Have:

• One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to (even if you wouldn't) and one who reminds you of how far you've come.
• Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own, even if you never want or need to.
• Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
• A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying.
• A youth you're content to move beyond.
• A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
• A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
• One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
• A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
• Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
• A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
• A feeling of control over your destiny.
• A skin care regime, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.
• A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

Every Woman Should Know:

• How to fall in love without losing yourself.
• How you feel about having kids.
• How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
• When to try harder and when to walk away.
• How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next.
• How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
• How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll get it.
• That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
• That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
• What you would and wouldn't do for love or money.
• How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
• Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally.
• Where to go - be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods - when your soul needs soothing.
• What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.
• Why they say life begins at 30.

From Esquire:

Things A Man Should Not Do After The Age Of 30:

• Use the word party as a verb.
• Shots.
• Body shots.
• Jell-O shots. Especially Jell-O shots.
• Read a book with the words Zen and the Art of in the title.
• Do impressions of Austin Powers characters, especially Dr. Evil.
• Help friends move.
• Ask friends to help you move.
• Crash on a friend's floor or couch.
• Refer to breasts as "chesticles."
• Experiment with facial hair.
• Let your underpants show above your jeans or below your shorts.
• Apply paint to your face for any reason at all.
• Own beer-drinking paraphernalia.
• Own a skull bong.
• Know the names of the current Real World cast.
• Remove your shirt in public--unless there is sand and a large body of water nearby.
• Use the word dude, except when referring to a ranch or a well-dressed Englishman.
• Use the word dawg in a sentence when referring to a friend or, worse, yourself.
• Own a futon.
• Own a beanbag chair.
• Hang art framelessly.
• Hang tapestries.
• Drink malternative beverages.
• Don a puka-bead necklace.
• Google ex-girlfriends.
• Break up with a girlfriend by e-mail.
• Engage in pranks involving airborne food.
• Own a Lava lamp.
• Pool hop.
• Live with someone you don't sleep with.
• Share a hotel room with someone you don't sleep with.
• Play fantasy sports.
• Divide a restaurant bill with a friend in any way other than 50-50.
• Sleep past 10:30.
• Refer to a woman's genitalia as her "nappy dugout."
• Cook exclusively on a George Foreman grill.
• Wear a jersey with the name of a professional athlete on the back.
• Employ any other pickup line besides "Hi, my name is _____. What's yours?"
• Listen to Pink Floyd.
• Use Internet acronyms, especially ROFL and LOL.
• Shave any part of your body except your face.
• Enjoy Jerry Bruckheimer movies.
• Run with the bulls in Pamplona.
• Attend Mardi Gras, Carnival, or Burning Man.
• Own a fish tank.
• Fall asleep in public.
• Call drugs by their street names (e.g., junk, smack, or whitebag).
• Pick a fistfight by thrusting out your neck, flexing, and screaming, "It's go time!"
• See any movie with elves, mutants, wookies, or other nonhuman characters on opening night.

Real Men BBQ

Memorial Day is the kick off for BBQ season. This is usually the only type of cooking a "real" man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.


When a man volunteers to do the BBQ duties the following chain of events are put into motion:

Step One:

1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, preps vegis, makes dessert.
3. The woman preps the meat for cooking, places it on a tray with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, then takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grille, beer in hand.

Now the important part:

4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILLE *whew*

Step Two:

5. The woman goes inside, organizes plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out, tells the man the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks her to bring him another beer while he deals with the situation.

Another Important Part:

7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEET OFF THE GRILLE AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

Step Three:

8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

Now, the most important part of all:

10. Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking and wonderful dinner.
11. The man, with beer in hand, asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off from cooking.
12. After seeing the woman's annoyed reaction, the man concludes there is no pleasing a woman.

(I know this has been around, but it's funny and true)

*Picture note* The women in the '60's wore dresses and heels to BBQ's. June Cleaver was such a trend setter wasn't she?